Superman Arrested for Sexual Assult Charges

Earlier this morning Superman’s East Manhattan home was raided by the NYPD. Superman was wanted for sexually assaulting a woman that he saved from a runaway boat. Superman tried to flee police when they broke down his door. It took 12 men to take him down and get him handcuffed. “Superman was ready to jump through the window,” said Chief Dudly, “but we were ready for him with twenty of New York’s best.” All of the officers who were involved in this morning’s raid were armed with of clip of Kryptonite laced ammunition.

The Kryptonite was purchased from Billionaire Bill Gates. Gates is the only known person in the world to still have any Kryptonite. Kryptonite is the only substance that can hurt Superman. The raid cost the city 3.4 million dollars, and injured five officers. Two men were frozen to near death and had to be melted before the doctors could treat them for hyperthermia; both are now in critical condition, but are expected to live. Another officer was set ablaze by Superman’s laser eyesight, luckily though the fire triggered the sprinkler system and extinguished the fire. Two other officers suffered broken bones while struggling with Superman.

The judge did not allow bail, so Superman will be held in a Kryptonite protected cell at the district jail. “He’s faster then a speeding bullet, of course he is flight risk,” Judge Brown explained to the entourage of media. The trial is to be held next Thursday, and it is expected to take at least four days.

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